Hell, and Mercurial Nature
“Alexa, play nature sounds.”
It was said fairly clearly, I thought.
From the other room, the spirit begins to make noises. Rain, I thought at first, but then quickly not rain, as the dulcet tones of Metallica’s Wherever I May Roam cut the night with its soothing natural harmonies.
“Alexa, play...nature...sounds.”
Once more, clearly, as had been the custom at bedtime for over a week, since the “skill” was discovered and unlocked.
The spirit just paused a moment, then resumed playing Metallica.
I may have mentioned this before, but she’s got a smartass sense of humor.
What you’re looking at is my personal example of nature’s quirky mood swings over the last week or so.
There’s a little pond near my apartment where we, as a community, grow frogs and geese.
Recently, it’s gotten so cold that the pond froze over. Pretty amazing to a southerner like me, who has of course seen a frozen pond before, both on TV and in the movies. I’ve always believed in them, in the same way one believes that ostriches exist if one has never been to the zoo.
There’s just something weird and fun and magical about seeing one up close, being skated on and used for hockey practice.
The lake, not an ostrich.
As you can see, there was even a fan section set up at one point - this consisting of two chairs and a small table, the table presumably there to denote the more established accommodations of the Home Team. (Gooooooo, Goosefrogs!)
It was said fairly clearly, I thought.
From the other room, the spirit begins to make noises. Rain, I thought at first, but then quickly not rain, as the dulcet tones of Metallica’s Wherever I May Roam cut the night with its soothing natural harmonies.
“Alexa, play...nature...sounds.”
Once more, clearly, as had been the custom at bedtime for over a week, since the “skill” was discovered and unlocked.
The spirit just paused a moment, then resumed playing Metallica.
I may have mentioned this before, but she’s got a smartass sense of humor.
Anyway, check this out:
What you’re looking at is my personal example of nature’s quirky mood swings over the last week or so.
There’s a little pond near my apartment where we, as a community, grow frogs and geese.
Recently, it’s gotten so cold that the pond froze over. Pretty amazing to a southerner like me, who has of course seen a frozen pond before, both on TV and in the movies. I’ve always believed in them, in the same way one believes that ostriches exist if one has never been to the zoo.
There’s just something weird and fun and magical about seeing one up close, being skated on and used for hockey practice.
The lake, not an ostrich.
As you can see, there was even a fan section set up at one point - this consisting of two chairs and a small table, the table presumably there to denote the more established accommodations of the Home Team. (Gooooooo, Goosefrogs!)
~ And Then ~
Mother Nature changed her mind, and it seemed that lake hockey season was over. As the weather warmed, the fan sections became heralds of a thawing world - a slow measure of the lake's return to water. One fell over, then the other, and eventually they became partially submerged as the lake ice thinned.
~ And Then ~
She changed her mind again, as any stand-up comic will tell you that women are wont to do. "Nah." said Mother Nature. "I thought I was cold, but now I'm hot again." and she turned the thermostat down again, even farther than before.
So now, the lake furniture is frozen in ice. Broken in one case, unusable in both, and disallowed a noble, sentinel death at sea.
Death at lake, whatever.
So now, let us apply what we know from mythology.
In Dante's Inferno, we learn that being trapped in a lake of ice is a punishment reserved for the worst traitors. Judas is there, Cassius and Brutus, and oh yeah SATAN HIMSELF.
It's a place called "Cocytus", and it's at the very bottom of Hell's reaches. Past the part where they burn you alive, past the part where they drop you into boiling gold, past the part where you have to hang out with all the crappiest people who've ever lived, forever.
Cocytus is Hell's slums. Or maybe the sub-basement of Hell's slums, down below where Hell's boiler room is. I suppose being trapped in a lake of ice with nothing to do but talk to Satan would be pretty rough. I bet he's a dick when he's bored.
So that kinda makes me wonder what the hell those chairs did to deserve this. Treachery, surely, but what kind? It must have been bad. Comment below on what you think it was.
Ask anyone caught in the recent "bomb cyclone" thing, and they'll probably hit you with something like "Oh, my house, my car, my cousin John", like they don't even care about what happens to chairs, or the plight chairs face. It's not helpful. What they will agree with is that mother nature has been pretty condemnatory recently, and I think it could all be linked.
As for right now, we can only theorize.
I will stay vigilant. If there are any breaks in the case, or the lake, I'll let you all know.
___________________
TL;DR - The Hell of Chairkind is across the street from my apartment.
Oh the Horror!
ReplyDelete